Three years have passed in the blink of an eye and yet it feels like yesterday.
I imagine the little girl you would be today, playing alongside Morgen, running, laughing, sticking beads up your own nose too.
Would she insist that you be Anna while she is Queen Elsa? She is the big sister after all.
Would you be equally obsessed with "A Bug's Life" or would we have to compromise on pizza/movie night and alternate weekly so you could watch your favorite movie? What would your favorite movie be?
And now we have Aurora in the family. She reminds us so much of you. I get to relive some of my favorite memories with her in my arms. She is so alert, her eyes so bright. Much like you she tends to watch me closely, making intense eye contact while nursing. And oh how she smiles!
I know you would be a great big sister to her just as Morgen.
Morgen talks about you every day. She looks up at the sun and excitedly says, "Mommy! I see Sonne! Hi Sonne!"
Today she sad she was sad about you. I told her that we were sad too.
I haven't looked at the old blog in a long time and I haven't kept up with yours or Morgen's either. Life has gotten busy. I've moved on in many ways, but tonight I looked through the entries from August and September in http://themorgensonnereport.blogspot.com and the tears flowed heavily from my eyes. Three years ago today, despite how the surgery went on the 29th we were still so hopeful. There was still a chance. And yet, I think I knew in advance the ultimate outcome. I remember hearing Paul McCartney's song "End of the End" on the way to the hospital the morning of your surgery. I had never heard it before and it felt so poignant. We ended up including it in your memorial service.
And then on the morning of August 31st our biggest fear became our reality. Your heart hadn't recovered. There was no more hope that you might come home with us. The nurses helped me make your hand and footprint in clay and also with ink. Friends came to the hospital to say goodbye. Some met you and said goodbye to you at the same time. And then all that was left was for us to say goodbye and then you were gone.
Slowly we heal. I found myself incredibly moved by the John O'Donohue poem which Jim retitled Sonne for your memorial service:
Though we need to weep your loss,
You dwell in that safe place in our hearts,
Where no storm or might or pain can reach you.
Your love was like the dawn
Brightening over our lives
Awakening beneath the dark
A further adventure of colour.
The sound of your voice
Found for us
A new music
That brightened everything.
Whatever you enfolded in your gaze
Quickened in the joy of its being;
You placed smiles like flowers
On the altar of the heart.
Your mind always sparkled
With wonder at things.
Though your days here were brief,
Your spirit was live, awake, complete.
We look towards each other no longer
From the old distance of our names;
Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,
As close to us as we are to ourselves.
Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,
We know our soul's gaze is upon your face,
Smiling back at us from within everything
To which we bring our best refinement.
Let us not look for you only in memory,
Where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal tones.
When orchids brighten the earth,
Darkest winter has turned to spring;
May this dark grief flower with hope
In every heart that loves you.
May you continue to inspire us:
To enter each day with a generous heart.
To serve the call of courage and love
Until we see your beautiful face again
In that land where there is no more separation,
Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,
And where we will never lose you again
And I love you with my whole heart...forever.
Xoxo....mommy
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