The days seem to pass so quickly. A year passed so quickly and here we are in the midst of the holiday season again. It feels harder this year.
I'm sad. I'm angry. And every emotion is heightened with a giant exclamation point.
!!!!!
I know life isn't fair. I've known that for a very long time. But I cannot fathom why.
?????
The one idea that gives me some solace comes from the Buddhist philosophy. In short, when a baby or child dies, the belief is that person only had a small lesson left to learn before achieving Nirvana. That their karma was such that they were able to leave suffering behind forever.
I know I'm not stating that quite right, but that's the gist of it.
While you were here, you were so calm. You were put through so much in your short life and yet you always seemed at peace. Perhaps the Buddhists were right. Perhaps you only had a little more to learn before leaving the cycle of life behind. If that's the case, then I feel honored that you chose our family to care for you during this last go around.
And yet...
Things just seem harder this year. Perhaps we were on auto-pilot last year, just powering through to try and make the holidays feels "normal." Perhaps this year we just need "normal" to be more emotionally authentic. I'm not sure what that means, per se, but I do know that something is different this year.
Your loss feels more poignant. More final. More punctuated.
I love you and miss you.
Always...mommy
I totally get it! I feel your feelings. It's NOT fair. I like the philosophy regarding the wee ones - and I've often latched on to that as well. Mindy was also a calm soul - so there must be something to it. Sending you lots of love and hugs - and just do as much as feels right and give Mo the beauty of the innocence of the season and enjoy watching her and know that her sister is right there with her in spirit. Much love to you all.
ReplyDelete