Out of the Blue

My sweet Sonne --


A week ago I had a tough night.  We had tried to lay Morgen to sleep in her crib, but she awoke and started to cry.  She cried and cried and wailed and I felt so badly.  I scrambled to get ready for bed while your daddy tried to comfort her.


I was washing my face with tears streaming down it.  Something in the timber of her cry reminded me of your last night at home.  Daddy was flying to Massachusetts and I knew from the sound that something wasn't right.  I truly believed it was your reflux acting up.  I never imagined that you would be gone a mere two weeks later.


I was still crying when I walked back into the bedroom to see your daddy holding a whimpering Morgen. He was also crying.


All I could say to him, over and over, was "I didn't hold her enough.  I just want to hold her one more time."


Daddy said, "Every time I held her, you held her with me. I have to believe that because every time I held Sonne, I was also holding you and Morgen."


And yet we still want nothing more than to hold you.  Just one more time.


I was fairly inconsolable for the next hour.  I laid in bed holding Morgen, your daddy holding me.  We kept saying "I'm sorry" to one another and to her.  This isn't what we wanted.  For a brief moment I caught a glimpse of you out of the corner of my eye.  I was holding Morgen but for a split second I swear I saw you.


I haven't cried like that in such a long time.  It truly caught me off guard.  It's not that I don't miss you and ache for you and think about you every day, but I'm usually in more control.


I'm so sorry baby girl.  I wish I would have held you more.  I wish I would have been more present while you were at Children's Hospital.  It wasn't that I didn't love you or want to be with you.  I just couldn't handle being back at the hospital. You had barely been home for five weeks.  I just wanted things to be normal.  For us to be together as a family.


I still remember being with you the night before your surgery.  The nurse brought in a bottle because nursing from my breast had been too taxing as of late.  You kept pushing the bottle away and so I did the only thing I could think to do and offered you a breast.  You nursed with such enthusiasm.  I will never forget that moment.


I remember playing with you the morning of your surgery and how much you were smiling.  So trusting.  So happy.  So full of life.


I'm so thankful for all you gave us and continue to give through your memory.


I can't believe we are coming up on your birthday.  Celebrating the occasion without you is going to be so painful.  We are having a BBQ.  Friends and family are going to be there with us.  Celebrating Morgen's first birthday and celebrating your 109 days.  I hope you like the idea of cupcakes because I'm making cupcakes with yellow frosting for you.  Lots of little yellow suns to help brighten the day.


I love you little little.  Forever.


xoxo...Mommy