meine Sonne

My darling Sonne --

The sun has been shining down upon us every day since you passed.  We could not be more grateful and yet we long to hold you one more time.  To see you smile at us.  To watch you sleep.

The nights are the most difficult for me. 

I wake to feed and change your sister.  It's a simple routine I've done for months, but it's different now.  You are missing.  I would love to play the baby trade game with your father so he could change one diaper while I nurse one baby or to surround myself with pillows in order to nurse you and Morgen at the same time.

And while there is joy in caring for your sister, there is sorrow.  I would give up almost anything to have you on my breast again.  I so loved to watch you nurse.  You were always so alert; watching me with your eyes shining.

We are distraught.  We are angry.  We are confused.  At times we are numb.  Mostly we are sad.  It isn't fair that you should be gone so soon.  You barely got to experience life and so much of the time you were with us was spent in the hospital.  We know in our hearts that we did everything we could to make you happy and healthy.  We know that the doctors and nurses who cared for you did the same.  It doesn't stop us from wondering what else we could have done.  Had we done anything differently would you still be with us today?

We know the answer to that question is no.  There is no reason why you are gone.  Nothing else could be done to save you, but I imagine your father and I will ask that question of ourselves every day for the rest of our lives.

We love you so much.  You are our sunshine.  You are our baby girl.  Our little little.  Our sweet pea.  Our button.  Our Sonne.

We will keep you in our hearts always.

Love...Mommy.