Today...

Today has been tough.

I started the day with a voice mail from Apria Healthcare.  It's the company from which we rented your heart monitor.  Apparently it was never returned and, not surprisingly, Cigna will not cover the cost of it any longer.  I know your cardiologist offered to return it as a courtesy to us, but to find out it had yet to be returned surprised me.  Had I know this was going to happen, I would have dealt with it myself.

Anyhow...dealing with that situation was really tough.  I found myself wanting to yell at these people and reminding myself that yelling wouldn't do any good.  They didn't intentionally drop the ball and they certainly aren't responsible for your death.

I told your daddy that I'm tired of dealing with the business of your death.  I just want to be able to grieve your loss.  I'm not able to simply grieve when I have to deal with insurance companies and medical supply companies and funeral homes and social security.

And I still need to figure out what do to with the double jogging stroller.  

I just want to get to a place where I can be at peace and remember how amazing you were and smile.

We miss you sweet pea.

Love...Mommy

Missing You

My darling Sonne --


I've been missing you something fierce the past few days.  Maybe it's because you've been gone over a month and suddenly it feels like it was just yesterday we said goodbye.  Maybe it's because I go back to work tomorrow and I'm scared that once I get so busy, I'll start to forget you.  That the little things which I can hold onto now, will more quickly slip away.


I expect things to fade over time. That's to be expected, but I'm not ready to have you fade from my mind, only to be reminded of things on rare occasions or to be caught off guard by something Morgen does that is distinctly "Sonne."  It's too soon for that.


When your Opa died nearly 13 years ago, I wanted to move on as quickly as possible.  To leave the paid behind.  I had 25 years with him and so many memories.  In my head I can still hear his voice.  It is all so easy to recall.


You were only with us for 109 days.  I want so much to go back in time to just have another day with you.  I just want to hold you in my arms one more time, to tell you that I love you and that I'll always be with you because you are always with me in my heart.  To tell you that everything is okay and that I know it's okay because I'm the mommy and the mommy knows these things.


Your sister is taking good care of us.  She reminds us of how much love there is in the world and every once in a while we catch a glimpse of her and she looks like you.


She's a good baby.  She's growing up and changing so much, so fast.  I fear one day we will look at her and we will no longer see you there because you'll forever be our little little.


I miss you my sunshine.  With all my heart.  And I love you endlessly.


xoxo...mommy.